Therapists: 'I hate people' is often a sign of unmet needs

Emmalee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that frequently saying 'I don't like people' or 'I hate everyone' is usually a way to avoid admitting how a person truly feels. Bierly, who co-owns The Therapy Group and co-hosts the ShrinkChicks podcast, describes the phrase as a shield against looking inward. It is easier to declare hatred toward the general public than to ask what is actually going on with the speaker.

Consider a person at a grocery store after a tense meeting with a boss. They are also worried about making dinner and scheduling a vet appointment for a dog. If someone bumps into them, their immediate internal reaction might be 'I hate everyone.' Bierly explains that this knee-jerk response often signals that the individual is overwhelmed or needs to ask loved ones for support. The blame is frequently misdirected outward, pointing at the stranger in the store rather than the speaker's own stressors or lack of boundaries.

Lindsay Goldfarb, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of The Sterling Group, says she would want to know more context if a client used this language. She looks for whether the comment follows a frustrating work day or a bad interaction. She also checks if the feeling stems from rejection or social anxiety. Goldfarb notes that therapists need to dig deeper to see what needs are not being met. Addressing those specific needs can lower stress levels and ensure a person has the necessary support in their life.

Bierly states that the thought itself is not inherently damaging. She emphasizes that there are no bad thoughts, only bad behaviors. The phrase becomes problematic when a person starts to integrate it into their life and develops their actions around it. If someone mumbles the sentence after a sleepless night, it is one thing. If they stop answering the phone or take their frustration out on relationships, that is a problem.

Goldfarb adds that if a person stops caring about their relationships or acts on the 'I hate people' narrative, it leads to isolation and disconnection. Bierly says the word 'hate' is a surface-level term that does not describe the true problem. It provides insufficient information. A person must ask what that hatred is covering up. Perhaps they dislike how others make them feel, or the fact that they cannot control or trust those people.

Goldfarb points out that humans are inherently social beings. This trait started as a survival instinct. In earlier history, being alone often meant death, so groups were necessary for survival. While society has evolved, the innate need for connection, belonging, and feeling understood remains. Goldfarb says that self-worth and support come largely from others.

Bierly notes that this does not mean a person must talk to the stranger who bumped into them at the store. They might need to call a friend, speak to a parent, or hug their pets. Most people who use these phrases do not actually believe them. For those who do, the thoughts are likely protective. However, allowing an 'I don't do people' attitude to dictate a life is a damaging choice.